Daniel Pink Module 1: Leveraging Regrets

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When it comes to regrets, it’s best to start with the basics, says New York Times bestselling author Daniel Pink.

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What is regret?

Regret, Pink says, is an emotion people experience “that makes us feel bad when we look backward and we wish we had done something differently.”

The challenge with regret comes from its ubiquity, he says. “Everyone has regrets. I can’t say that empathically enough. It’s one of the common emotions that human beings express.”

Those who say they have no regrets “haven’t been taught how to process them,” Pink adds.

• By learning how to process those emotions, people can:
• Become clearer thinkers
• Avoid cognitive dissonance
• Become better strategists, negotiators and problem-solvers

“When we confront our regret systematically, it makes us better,” Pink says. “Regret makes us human; regret makes us better.”

What do people regret?

Regret breaks down primarily into two categories, Pink says:

• Something I did (action)
• Something I didn’t do (inaction)

After poring over more than 60 years of research — including his own — Pink learned that inaction regrets outnumber action regrets at least two to one.

“The older we get, the more what we regret is what we didn’t do,” he says. “What sticks in our craw, what vexes us over time, is our regrets of inaction over action.”

So what is it that people regret? Pink breaks it down into four core types.

Regrets of boldness

People lament not taking a risk or being daring, Pink says “and it doesn’t matter the domain of life.”

Pink says boldness regrets include everything from not asking people out on dates to not traveling or having adventures, not speaking up, or not starting a business.

“You’re at a juncture, you play it safe and stay in the lackluster job or I can start my own operation. You stay in the old, lackluster job, time goes on, and you end up regretting it,” Pink says. “Those are regrets of boldness: ‘If only I had taken the chance.’”

Foundation regrets

These are small regrets that lay the groundwork for bigger consequences later on in life, Pink says. Pink categorizes these laments as: “If I had only done the work.”

“These are regrets of people who, small decisions or indecisions early in life, no single one of which is devastating, but that accumulate to negative consequences,” he says. “I spent too much and save too little, now I’m broke. I didn’t exercise or eat and now I’m unhealthy. So, foundation regrets are, “If only I’d done the work.”

Moral regrets

While few people have them, they are still meaningful, Pink says. Categorized as “if I had only done the right thing,” moral regrets are laments that come from having the opportunity to take the high road, but choosing the low road instead.

“Most of us, nearly all of us, when we do the wrong thing, when we take the low road, we regret it,” Pink says. “Not everybody, not all the time, but I think most everybody, most of the time.”

Connection regrets

Running the full spectrum of connection, these regrets stem from the loss of a bond between two people, Pink says.

“It comes apart, usually un-dramatically,” Pink says. “It’s drifts-apart. One person wants to reach out; they say, ‘Ugh. It’s going to be really awkward if I reach out and they’re not going to care,’ so they don’t reach out. The drift widens, it becomes more awkward, and sometimes it’s too late.”

This regret, Pink says, is best categorized as, “If I had only reached out.”

Dealing with regret

Now that we understand what regret is and how they manifest, the question becomes: How do we deal with them?

“No one has ever taught us how to do this, but we have some really good evidence of how to do it,” Pink says.

After years of studying regret, Pink has slightly revised his “inward, outward, forward” method of dealing with regret.

• Inward: Treat yourself with kindness rather than contempt.
• Outward: Talk about it, write about it to defang it, to unburden yourself.
• Forward: Take a step back, draw a lesson from it, and plan your next move.

“And when we do that,” Pink says, “the benefits are huge.”

Related Resources 

Daniel Pink on ‘Beyond Resilience’ 

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